Our Town – May 21, 2015

 The Soupster has yucks aplenty.

Originally published May 2, 2002

“I have never seen so many boats! This place is nuts!” the professional comedian on the stage of a tavern full of laughaholics. “I noticed you have a nice Salvation Army store,” the jokester commented. “But with your boats? What this place needs is a`Salvation Navy!’ store. You know – used Xtra Tufs and rain gear. Going from boat to boat with the bell and the red kettle at Christmas. They’re so compassionate, that Salvation Navy, that their boat hugs the shore!”

“You people are nuts with your rain gear. I’ve never seen anything like it,” he continued. “I heard you once had a rain gear fashion show here. One fisherman went to Mexico for vacation, saw a comely lass in a bikini and commented, `I‘d sure like to see her in a Helly-Hansen rain bib.’”

The crowd liked this, and the Soupster, sitting three tables back from the front, could see the thrill of victory in the comic’s eyes and the square of his shoulders.

“Rains a lot here, I must say,” said the jester on a roll. “Rains cats and dogs. I know. I just stepped in a poodle!”

The crowd – including the Soupster — groaned.

“Really though, I’m walking down Lincoln Street with the guy who met me at the airport,” said the comedian. “And who do we see but the Pillsbury Doughboy. My friend says, `Nice tan!’”

“I see this little boy and ask him if it ever stops raining here. `How do I know,’ he says.“I’m only six!”

“No, but rain is great,” the joker said. “I heard that at the gates of Hell, someone saw Satan throwing the doomed into a huge lake of fire, but every once in a while he tossed someone aside in a pile. `What’s that for?’ asked a curious on-looker. `They’re from Sitka,’ answered Beelzebub. `I have to dry them out before they can burn.’”

The Soupster convulsed in howls and chuckles, joining those around him doing the same.

“And I’ve heard of your bears – I’ve heard of your bears,” the hyper comic sped on. “Did you hear about the religious man walking in the woods, when he came upon a stupendous and ravenous brown bear? Shocked, the man dropped to his knees to pray for deliverance. `Lord,’ the pious man prayed. “Let this be a good and pious bear.” When the man opened his eyes, the bear was also down on his knees saying, “For the food we are about to receive, we give thanks…”

The Soupster and the crowd roared.

“Gotta go, gotta go,” said the comic. “I’ve abused you people long enough. Besides, it’s been 10 minutes since I’ve been rained on and my skin is getting dry. Gotta go. Love you guys!”

The Soupster and the others screamed, “Encore!”

“Okay, okay,” said the funnyman. “What’s more Alaskan than having a backhoe in the back yard? Having a broken backhoe in your front yard! Now that’s it. Really! I’m getting upset. Goodnight!”