Our Town – March 24, 2016

April Fool Classifieds

Autos

Rust-riddled, one headlight, cracked windshield, duct-taped windows pickup for sale. Hand-crafted clothes hanger antenna. Excellent transportation vehicle. 747-xxxx.

Critters

Black lab puppies and extra-toed cats. Will pay you to take them. No offer too small! Presently residing in bathtub. 747-xxxx.

Dances

Slime Boogie. Leave your dancing shoes and wear your X-tra Tufs! Floor will be flooded with fish guts. Debone salmon while listening to the latest tunes. $6.75 per hour plus overtime.

Fitness

New crash diet: we will eat your baked Halibut Olympia free! Simply buy and cook a pound (or more!) of Halibut Olympia and we will come to your home and save your from having to devour it. The pounds will melt off you, guaranteed! 1-800-444-xxxx.

Games

For Sale: Old Monopoly set from the Russian days. Money in rubles. Troika and wheatfield two of the tokens. Rare “Never Get Out of Jail Free Or Otherwise” card included. Best Offer. 747-xxxx.

Housing and Property

Affordable, well-designed view property at a rock bottom price. Monitor heat, stainless steel appliances, double garage. Also, we have a bridge in New York we would like to sell you. 747-xxxx.

Marine

1981 butt-plank wooden triple-end troller. Especially seaworthy on flat, calm days. Double bilge, pilothouse faces backward. Cockpit planks splintery, but deck shoes included. Steam-powered fish finder a gas. Must see to appreciate. With permit or not. Teenage Thomsen Harbor.

Media

Please help us stamp out the expression “to come into compliance.” What people in the city and on radio mean is “to comply” and they should just say that. We are meeting on the issue Thursday night. Look for the flaming torches near Crescent Harbor.

Murder

For Sale: Signed copy of “Scott’s Secret Personal Fishing Holes Near Our Town Revealed.” Published in 1972. Also, one copy left of “The Unsolved Murder of the Guy Who Wrote `Scott’s Secret Personal Fishing Holes Near Our Town Revealed,’ published in 1973. Leave money in brown paper bag by the Mariner’s Memorial Wall and Scott will contact you.

Rocks

Sitka’s most exclusive pilesof rocks! This gigantic pile of rocks seems to defy gravity and can be erected on your home or income property over only one weekend . 966-xxxx. Emergency or after hours, call 738-xxxx.